Hard work and Cosmic Ordering: my story of finding love again

love

In a conversation the other night, a lovely divorced lady said that she didn’t have a new man because she didn’t feel she was deserving of being treated like she was special. It’s a common thing, though not many people admit they feel this way.

I don’t usually talk in-depth about my current relationship, but that conversation prompted me to share with you how I came to realise that finding love again simply meant removing the mental blocks that make you believe you can’t have, or don’t deserve what it is you truly want.

I love my story, and hope you will too. It still fills me with gratitude and awe to this day to have found someone so right for me after such miserable heartbreak. I hope it will inspire other to have faith, listen to their hearts, and let go of the past so that they are in a place where new love cannot fail to be magnetised to them.

So here it is……

Around 11 months after my ex husband left, I began divorce proceedings. It had been an intense time of grief, letting go and starting to move on with my life. It was January 2011, and with the ‘new year, fresh start’ as impetus, I knew I didn’t want to be married to him any longer than I had to.

I began to see that an important part of my future involved having someone to love and love me in return. I had no interest in dating for fun, my aim was to find true love. But despite my aversion to the dating game, I knew I had to start somewhere ,so I set in my mind an intention that I would go on a date in July of that year.

As the divorce proceedings ambled along, I was faced with further layers of grief to overcome,each part of the process releasing a bit more hurt and bringing up emotional issues to deal with.

Somewhere in the midst of this, a book was brought to my attention entitled,  “Calling in The One: 7 weeks to attract the love of your life” by Katherine Woodward Thomas. Despite the title, and the first impression from the front cover, the book was not 7 easy steps to bag a husband! It doesn’t teach you skills to be interesting, sexy or funny. In fact it was a book that takes a lot of courage to work through. It requires determination and a willingness to really look at yourself, and your beliefs around relationships. It is kind and encouraging, but also requires you to be open and vulnerable.

But it’s exactly the kind of necessary work you need to do in order to attract the kind of relationship that is going to serve you well, and make you happy. As I started work on the book in the spring of 2011, I worked out that 7 weeks to “Call in The One” meant that the man of my dreams would enter my life some time in mid June.

I treated the book like a really important project. I did the exercises, pushed myself to get out of my comfort zone when I had to, and really opened myself up to the possibility of finding love, though realistically I had next to zero prospects! I lived in a small town, was  a 37-year-old mother of three young children, and I was not in the least interested in online dating. Eligible single men were thin on the ground for me. But I persevered.

July arrived and although I had not given up hope of a date, I was also very much ok with the fact that it might not happen right now (divine timing, and all that). But then on 19th July I sat and simply asked for what I wanted. Out loud. “Universe, please send me a really great boyfriend. Not because I need one, just because I want one!”.

Within an hour of that request I was at a friends house. She told me she had a friend who thought I was beautiful and had asked if he could have my number to ask me out on a date. I was stunned! The jaw dropping synchronicity had me smiling for the rest of the week and that Saturday night we went on our first date.

In the fairytale ending version, we lived happily ever after. But here’s what happened next…

The date was amazing. I didn’t know I was capable of feeling so comfortable and having so much fun with a man. We both felt the connection, and before we’d even had our second date he had asked me to go away with him for a weekend six weeks away, to a party where I’d meet all his close friends.

That summer I fell in love. But there was always a part of me worried that it was too good to be true; wondering what I’d done to deserve being this lucky and meeting someone so special so soon. And when you put those doubtful, fearful thoughts out there, they just hang around waiting for an opportunity to prove you right.

Half way through September we broke up. The circumstances were cruel. Our feelings for each other had not changed, but sometimes forces bigger than you play a part in determining the course of your life (as I knew only too well). His decision to break up with me crushed me more than I thought was possible, yet the irony was that I respected and loved him more for the choice he had made.

I couldn’t make sense of it. I knew in some way I was being tested but I couldn’t see how, or why. It just felt so bitterly painful and unfair to have lost someone again, when I thought I was on top of my life. I was torn between letting go and holding on to hope that his circumstances would change. I saw a therapist and sobbed my way through a session. She asked me a question that became pivotal to my happiness:

“How long are you prepared to wait for him?”

I knew then, that my lesson in all of this was about putting myself first. Not losing myself in love again. Remembering that with or without a relationship I matter. At home that evening I wrote down a statement on a piece of paper. It said:

“If he is the right man for me, please let him come back to me by the end of October”.

I had answered the therapists question. I decided in real time how long I would wait for him, then I would accept and move on.

The six weeks until the end of October were not filled with endless waiting, expectation or longing. I cried, I mourned. I had an endless supply of love from friends. But I picked myself up; I’d been through harsher. I had already learned about heartbreak and was teaching others. I listened to my own advice and continued to work on myself and my happiness.

Towards the end of October I spent the day with a male friend. It wasn’t a date, but we had always been a bit flirty and enjoyed each others company. It was a beautiful day; despite the time of year it was sunny and warm. At the end of the day, sitting quietly on the beach we kissed. Neither of us wanted more, we were still just friends. It was lovely. But it made me miss my love, because deep down I still wanted him back.

Still, I was smiling about the unexpected kissing for the next 24 hours, and that kept me happy and my mind off of heartbreak the next day at work. That evening the October weather was true to form. It was a rainy, chilly evening. The kids were away and I was cosy indoors. Alone on a Saturday night, but happy.

When the door knocked he was the last person I was expecting, despite the fact I’d asked for it. He told me that his difficult circumstances had passed. He was sorry for the way it had ended between us. Ever the respectful man, he had not come over expecting anything from me. We hugged, and I felt I had come back home as he filled my arms, he was rainsoaked and vulnerable. I loved him deeply still, but gave him space, aware that emotionally things were not ideal for him. We chatted for a while, then he left.

It was the 29th October, and I knew in my heart that he was the right man for me because this was what I’d asked for.

This July will be our two year anniversary! I don’t count the six week break-up because as far as I’m concerned, it was a vital part of making our relationship what it is today; strong, respectful and amazing.

Finding love again after a divorce is not always easy. But you have to believe you are worthy of being loved again, and that the right person will come into your life when you are ready.

with love and hope for happiness

Marissa ♥

Why Valentine’s day is for the broken-hearted too

cropped-p1030055.jpgIt’s that time of year that brings out a mix of the true romantics, the annual big-gesture- makers, and the cynics to have their say on love.

I am one of those in awe of true love and happy relationships; I adore romance, yet I can take or leave Valentine’s day. But I am not cynical of it. As far I as I’m concerned, if something promotes people being good to each other it is wonderful, even if it is a commercial money spinner.

Continue reading

you are a wonderful single parent!

dear mummy

I thought you ought to hear that!

When I received a text message yesterday, telling me what a great job I was doing for my children, it brought tears to my eyes. So this is for those who have been left holding the baby, to congratulate you and remind you of the great job you are also doing.

Continue reading

Happy 2013, think like a child, dream big!

butterfly breakupandshine4Today I sat with my two eldest children and began a new New Years Eve tradition. We took a huge sheet of paper and on one side wrote “Thank you 2012 for…” and listed all the things we enjoyed and appreciated about the past year. It was heart-warming to see their responses, it showed me how happy and thriving my children are despite the upheaval of divorce in their young lives.

We then went on to write a wish list for 2013 on the other side of the page.

Continue reading

Featured

butterfly breakupandshine4  Hello and welcome!

Are you suffering the unique yet universal pain that is The End of a Relationship?

If it’s very recent for you, well done for getting up and facing the day. I know the strength that it takes.

If it’s been a while but your life still doesn’t seem to be moving on from the break up, that’s completely normal. 

Thank you for being here and I truly hope that Break Up and Shine will help you.

So…

What if you could make the heartbreak disappear?

What if, very soon, you could look back at the pain you feel at the moment, and be grateful for what it has made you become?

What if you could see this divorce as the best thing that ever happened to you?

Does it feel too soon to imagine that? Do you believe that it’s even possible? Because didn’t believe it six years ago. I was where you may be now. Devastated at the end of my marriage. Unable to believe that my husband was telling me it was over; betrayed by his affair and overwhelmed at being a single mother of three small children. I didn’t know how I would ever be ok again.

But I can truly, hand on heart, say that am glad that it happened. Because today my life is more wonderful than it ever would have been had I stayed married to him.

So welcome to Break Up and Shine! It’s a place where I share my story, healing experience, words of wisdom and support for anyone going through it right now.

You are not alone and it WILL be ok.

Marissa  ♥