The New Year: Cycles and Goals

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I feel like 2016 has been a year of consolidation and sowing the seeds for the next fruitful chapter of my life. I have barely written on this blog all year and have considered whether, six years on from the end of my marriage, it is still relevant or necessary to do so.

I’m in a very different state to when Break Up and Shine began; my life has shifted beyond an exploration of why things happened the way they did and from my initial healing path from divorce. For six years I’ve been busy laying the foundations for a new life, and enjoying it as it unfolds. I’ve grieved for and learned from my marriage; trained in a new career; shared a loving new relationship and reclaimed my life on my terms.

This year my life has slowed down; there has been no rapid progress or big exciting new change, and while I’ve found it frustrating at times (I have lots of big dreams!), I realise now that it’s actually ok. I know that some cycles have ended in order for new ones to begin. I finished 18 months of counselling therapy earlier in the year, which allowed me to release many long held limiting beliefs about myself, and I completed my training as a counsellor so will become qualified shortly within the new year.

Now I’m ready for 2017; a new beginning where I keep all of the goodness from the last 6 years and leave behind the emotional baggage I’ve finally unloaded. This new year will be about reaching for fresh goals and believing they can happen.

Where does this leave Break Up and Shine? Well, I began this blog to share my experience of moving on from divorce, and I’m relieved and happy to find that I want to continue. I never lose sight of the fact that the direction my life is taking now comes from a decision to turn around a horrible situation. I feel very thankful and want to show others that it’s possible.  I write less frequently at present, but whenever I do it comes from a place of real passion to share something helpful. So here is my invitation to you this New Year’s Eve: 

Set Yourself Goals

 

1) Wherever you are in your stage of break up (broken on the floor having been deserted at Christmas, or two stressful years into a messy divorce with no end in sight), set some goals. You might have just one, or possibly one hundred, but write something down.

Goals do a wonderful thing; they take your mindset from your present distress to the possibility of something different. They might be baby step goals, or big awe-inspiring dreams. Even if you have no idea how to begin to achieve it, write it down. You don’t have to have it all worked out right now.

2) Don’t panic if you’re reading this and haven’t begun on 1st January! New Year is a powerfully symbolic time to start afresh, but if we all waited for January for permission to set goals there would be a lot of wasted time. Whenever you start is the beginning of your new chapter. 

3) Find a system to help you achieve your goal; sometimes desire alone is not enough.   For 2017 I am using this awesome workbook by Leonie Dawson to help me become clear on what I want from life, and create steps to get there. But there are many other similar planners on the market, or if you are good at this kind of thing, you can create your own method. 

4) Get all the love and support you can from family, friends or support groups. Be kind and encouraging to yourself, and don’t beat yourself up if it feels hard. 

You can turn your life around, and I say this with certainty because I managed it from a place where all I could see was a broken heart, single parenthood and misery.

Remember that endings, as painful as they are, always bring new beginnings.

Happy New Year and Happy New You xx

 

 

 

3 thoughts on “The New Year: Cycles and Goals

  1. I am one year into my separation, I am confident and happy with my decisions on leaving my husband, it wasn’t working for a long time, however, I am struggling with my now , completely different ex, we had talked a lot argued a lot on many different things, in the last 3 years, my ex refused to come to counselling, he told me he loved me several times a day yet I didn’t feel cared about or loved, everything and everyone came first we were always down the list, he was desperate that he didn’t want me to leave. I left for my sanity, 3 months later my ex left his job had 3 months off went on holidays became best friends to our son who was the first person to say he didn’t blame me for leaving because his dad had always been difficult he was constantly critical of our son never gave him any praise or recognition, has a really nice new lady, basically everything I talked to him about that he didn’t see a problem with , I struggled a lot with problems in my work and our personal lives on my own with little support or thought from my ex. My daughter says people don’t change only our perception of them changes, one example of my difficulties understanding is , our young dog was constantly escaping our garden to find lady friends, I asked my husband to secure the garden as I was always the one tracking our dog down after long tiring days at work, I should point out that I also have an illness that makes me extremely fatigued, this extra stress of constantly finding the dog was a nightmare for me, eventually my ex half secured the garden to no evail so I suggested getting his manhood removed, my ex couldn’t seem to get round to having him done, yes looking back I should have made the decision and taken the dog my self , but my husband made all the decisions and every decision had to be thoroughly talked about so this was were my mind was , my daughter later told me I was controlled, I was so far into despair I couldn’t even see how controlled I was , so now I have left this is just another thing that my ex has done with speed and no long thought process just had the dog done. Why after seeing me go through so much stress on all levels either with our son his job my job the house the dog , has he suddenly done all the things that would have helped our marriage? I never nagged him I tried to understand his long work days, I tried talking to him on many occasions, I now feel it must have been myself my perception?

    1. Thank you for writing Julia. It sounds like you are really seeking to understand some things about yourself, your patterns and how life has turned out the way it has. One of the biggest bits of healing work for me came when I looked at how relationships are mirrors and show you what needs healing in your life. A good speaker/writer on this is Gabrielle Bernstein, but there are many others in the self help arena if you look up the topic. Another good book I found was Calling in the One by Katherine Woodward Thomas. Although the idea of this book is to heal your self in order to find a new relationship, (which you may not be looking for), the actual healing exercises are invaluable for anyone looking to look at their perceptions of themselves, their former partners and where they might have blocks to attracting the right person. Another option for you might be to explore your own specific issues with a therapist.
      Sending you love and best wishes in gaining some clarity,
      Marissa

      1. Thank you, I did feel better reading your blog on needs, I felt for a long time that I was wrong for needing my husband asking things of him , which became less and less as he was rarely there for me or my son, I feel bitter now because they are best friends, because I was the one to leave, my husband has the family home which I have left just as it was , at the time I left my son was at university but has now returned home, so I wanted to keep things as they were for him, he doesn’t like change and although he is 20 he is really taking it hard, I spent a huge amount of time alone just the 2 of us together we had a fantastic relationship, and he misses me and the family buzz of the house. My husband now spends time with him socially, and is a great fun loving dad that my son never had growing up. I remain silent and just support my son and see him as often as I can, my husband new girlfriend is now spending time there and with my son. So I am really struggling with many emotions, I will look up those books thank you again
        Julia

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